Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear
power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None 'o yo' damn business! A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Thats a hardware problem. A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. A\": Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a software problem. A': None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee (binary only).
A': Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually
drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A\": Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one
of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to
get it done.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A:: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. A:: None of your damn business!
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to
do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. (\"Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...\")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thats not funny!!!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A': None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.
Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A\": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A'\":None. Zen masters carry their own light.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a LOT of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
of the pages state only \"This page intentionally left blank\",
and 20% of the definitions are of the form \"A:...... consists
of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks\".
A': Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ---- You should have hit \"n\"!
Q: How many \"pro-lifers\" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was
lit from the moment they began screwing.
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb
being changed.
Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him
down off the keg.
A': Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the
room spins.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb? A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him . Note: this is probably true in Iraq. Does that make it a joke or a sad fact?
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: \"Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000\"
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say \"Sock it to Me.\"
(Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from \"Laugh In.\")
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
A': Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen
in on the guest list.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of
production!
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.