View source for What if computer users bought cars

What if people bought cars like they buy computers?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers.  But imagine if they did...


HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"<br>
CUSTOMER:  "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"<br>
HELPLINE:  "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"<br>
CUSTOMER:  "What's an ignition?"<br>
HELPLINE:  "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."<br>
CUSTOMER:  "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"<br>


HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"<br>
CUSTOMER:  "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"<br>
HELPLINE:  "Is the gas tank empty?"<br>
CUSTOMER:  "Huh? How do I know?"<br>
HELPLINE:  "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"<br>
CUSTOMER:  "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."<br>
HELPLINE:  "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.<br>
CUSTOMER:  "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.<br>
HELPLINE:  "A 'V'?!?"<br>
CUSTOMER:  "Followed  by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."<br>
HELPLINE:  "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."<br>
CUSTOMER:  "That steering wheel thingy - Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"<br>
HELPLINE:  "Yes, among other things."<br>
CUSTOMER:  "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"<br>
HELPLINE:  "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."<br>
CUSTOMER:  "What? I paid $18,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"<br>


HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"<br>
CUSTOMER:  "Your cars suck!"<br>
HELPLINE:  "What's wrong?"<br>
CUSTOMER:  "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"<br>
HELPLINE:  "What were you doing?"<br>
CUSTOMER:  "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator<br>
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed - and now it won't even start up!"<br>
HELPLINE:  "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."<br>
CUSTOMER:  "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did.<br>
HELPLINE:  "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"<br>
CUSTOMER:  "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"<br>
HELPLINE:  "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"<br>
CUSTOMER:  "How do you do THAT?"<br>
HELPLINE:  "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator, its called the BRAKE."<br>
CUSTOMER:  "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."<br>
HELPLINE:  "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"<br>
CUSTOMER:  "I want you to send me one of the latest version


HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"<br>
CUSTOMER:  "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." "How do I work it?"<br>
HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"<br>
CUSTOMER:  "Do I know how to what?"<br>
HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to DRIVE?"<br>
CUSTOMER:  "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"